Friday, August 28, 2009

Fragon Slayer

Well, well, well, if it isn't me? I don't blog all week, except Fridays it seems. That will change this week, as I return to my regularly scheduled programming.

Friday Fragments are an illusion, wrapped in a mystery, doused with a splash of guile and buttered with condescension. They are a weekly delicatessen of odd ball observations by a miscreant 41-year-old who can't mate socks because he's colorblind. But don't hold that against him. You can blame it on Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin' Time. Well, the Fragment part, not his colorblindness.

FF We keep hens. 16 of them, in fact, and all spring and summer they have free-ranged around our property, hunting and pecking everything in sight. They have even ranged all over our neighbor's yard, and he doesn't care. They do eat ticks, don't ya know? Two weeks ago a wiry, scruffy man who looked like someone had pissed in his mouth, knocked on my door. Asked if we had chickens. I said yes, of course. "Well, they're shittin all over my porch." I asked where he lived. It happens that he owns an apartment building two houses down from us. "I think you should have to come down and clean it up." I told him I would come down and take a look. I changed my mind though. He didn't say hello, he didn't shake my hand or introduce himself. Just dragged his sorry ass up onto my porch fuming and swearing and sputtering and making demands. This apartment building is a slum. The police have been called numerous times for some of the tenants fighting in the street, squealing tires, etc. Chicken shit goes well with his gray flecked faux paint job, I'm thinking.

FF The kids started school this week. Am I going to hell by saying I'm grateful for the sound of silence?

FF I have college orientation tomorrow and Monday. I have made it my secret mission to attain nothing less than a 3.8 GPA. Why, you ask? Because someone once told me I couldn't. And when you tell me I can't do something, I instantly hate you and your family and put curses on you.

FF Gabrielle had a virus last week that created sores in and around her mouth. A virus. That's all the doctor could call it. A virus. With all the advancement in medicine you'd think they would be able to at least give my daughter's infliction a name. All she could take was ibuprofen. She didn't eat for four days. She cried in the middle of the night because it was so painful. And we paid a doctor $1,456 for her to tell us Gabi had a virus. I'm changing my college major to become a doctor.

FF The last couple of weeks have been glorious. Mid-80s, sunny, summery. Beautiful. Last two days, I've had to wear a sweatshirt and long johns to bed and woken up with frost on the insides of my eyelids. Fuck Maine. I'm moving to someplace where it's warm. Like Canada, maybe.

FF We still have not repaired the porch roof. I tore up a third of the shingles in the corner where we've had leaking. That was two weeks ago. One time, when I was a kid, I dismantled an electronic toy I had been given for Christmas because I wanted to see if I could put it back together. I failed. I hid the toy in my closet because I was afraid my dad would kill me. My folks called the other day to say they were coming over and for a split second I actually considered hiding my porch. How lame is that?

FF No dear, I don't agree with you. I can't keep my hands or my eyes off of you. You must be doing a whole lot of something right...


  1. Spot on as usual!! Don't feel bad about not blogging, it seems everyone is taking a break. Makes it tough for me though, blog stalker that I am.

  2. $1,456 to be told she has a virus, but no name!? I would be so upset. I do hope she gets better.

    I wish you good luck with your GPA. I was always at a steady 3.25 GPA in college. I tried for higher, but the highest I got was 3.5.

  3. Geez, I hope I don't hear about you and the chicken-shit guy on the news (Well, Pat, it seems the altercation began when Mr. Turner refused to clean up some poultry excrement...)

    Poor Gabi! I hope she never gets the mysterious unnamed virus again (although if she does, you should insist that they name it after her.)

    Good luck in school. You are going to do great. I'm sure the other kids will like you and you will find someone to sit with you at lunch.

  4. That sounds like a terrible virus. I always think the visit should be free when the diagnosis is virus. My favorite line? "Thanks for bringing her in anyway."

    Stay away from cs man, and keeps your hens away, too. OR maybe just move and leave cs man and the roof behind.

    You will get good grades. GPA's go up with age, so you're good to go!

  5. If you believe it, you can achieve it! I bet you'll at least get that 3.8! I just started college for the first time last year (at age 40), and I earned a 3.8 my first semester, and a 4.0 the second! *I* never thought I could do that! Best of luck to you!

    Happy Friday!

  6. No you are not going to hell for looking forward to the silence. You'll actually be enjoying a little sliver of heaven.

  7. Of all the fragmenters, I am fairly sure that you are my all time favorite; I actually wait anxiously for your post to show up in my reader. And how effing sick and pathetic is that? : )

  8. Is that guy sure it's your chicken shit? Or is it just from random birds? :)

    Awww! Poor Gabrielle! Hope she feels better soon! I hate having to pay exorbitant amounts of money to the doctor to have them give a generic diagnosis and not give you something to get rid of it.

    Did you end up hiding your porch? Blue tarps always look lovely...NOT! :) :) :)

    Happy FF! :)

  9. Ugh, I was hospitalized when I was a kid because I was practically to the point where my intestines were going to start coming out and all the could say was that it was a virus!!! I think it's the fallback answer when they don't know what the hell is going on.

    I would've changed my mind about going to clean up the chicken crap too. I don't know why people can't just ask about things nicely!

  10. Doctors! What do they know? I'll bet if that was his kid, he'd figure it out QUICK! Poor thing.

    Loved your intro. I just might tweak it and use it next week, if you don't mind (I'll give you credit, of course!)

    I think YOU should go shit on your neighbor's porch. That way, he won't think the chicken shit is so bad.

    I love how you love your wife. (and how she loves you, you know; in spite of you, haha.)