Friday, June 19, 2009

Six Frags Over Griffin

Friday Fragments?

This is Friday Fragments, a disparate bunch of unrelated thoughts and events that have occurred to me or at me or near me this past week. Mrs. 4444 over Half Past Kissin' Time is the originator of this cool idea. Check her out. She's wicked.

This week, I dedicate FF to my Son, Griffin Allan Kent Turner.

- Griffin was born, we were told, with only one testicle. Not a really serious thing, although as the doctor was saying this, he happened to throw in the possibility of cancer in men with one ball.

("Oh sure, go ahead and swim in the ocean. Just watch for those sharks!")

So Corrine and I have taken him to see a urologist, who spent the better part of an hour massaging my son's sack looking for the absentee.

She found one, but it was the opposite one the original doctor had found. There was a debate. Was it the right nut or the left? I'm standing, hands in my pockets, weighing my own and thinking "How the hell would you know? They feel the same to me" when Corrine looked across the examination room with a knowing look. ("Dude, are you in junior high? Stop it!")

After 30 minutes of the urologist groping, MY testicles sucked right up into my pelvis. Jesus fucking christ woman, FIND it, don't turn it into cornmeal. Well, we left her office knowing nothing new.

This week, we took Griffin "The Uniball" Turner to have an ultrasound. Laid out on his back, his business just hanging out there, his little manhood a mere penis and no luggage. The ultrasound technician swabbed her ultrawand (looked like a grocery store scanner) with goo and proceeded to do her thing. Rolling it over and under and around. (Griffin's smile said "Little to the left ... no no .. right there! Do you charge by the hour, doc?) The television screen behind her looked like a movie of a cloudy night. This mass of dark and gray until, magically, forms took shape. It's how I imagine the universe was created. Just a lot of hot gasses and puffy strange black clouds and then, out of the haze, a planet...then two...)

She had found BOTH balls. Rock on, big boy! Of course, looking at it on the screen, the three dark masses (two balls and his penis) looked like a skull. A very Stephen Kingish moment.

- Griff was not circumcised at birth, a decision we both made before he was born as being unnecessarily traumatic and holding no biological value. I was hesitant. My oldest son was not circumcised either, but because his mother's brothers are both hemophiliacs and since hemophilia is passed down through mothers, we could not have him cut like that. As it turned out, Harrison does not have hemophilia. HOWEVER, at the age of 13, he needed corrective surgery because the foreskin was not separating. It was a painful procedure, a painful recovery, not to mention humiliating for a kid going through puberty. I mean, come on. Forget that the doctor had to even LOOK down there. He had to do SURGERY. AND, as an added bonus, it was swollen, black and blue and felt like he had been punched. The poor kid had to wear a bag of ice.

AND as another bonus, he could in no way do anything strenuous because of where the stitches were. Read: puberty. Read: teenage boy. Read: Every time the wind blows. I mean, jesus, when I was 13, just about everything reminded me of ... never mind. You get where I'm going.

Poor chap. I felt for him. I really did.

So naturally I feared the same future for little Griff. We expressed this to his urologist, who prescribed a testosterone gel concoction to lather onto the tip of his penis to promote development.

The bottom line? My youngest has had more female hands on his unit than I have my entire life and because of the testorub, will have to legally change his last name to Holmes.

- Griff will be one year old on June 26. At 11 months and two weeks, he took his first steps. And not tentative, one or two steps, but a stroll across the kitchen floor. We knew this was coming. He has been gearing up for awhile now and only needed a little confidence.

I personally think news of having two balls and a wonder shlong was a welcome relief and he had to celebrate by taking a victory lap.

- Griff has three teeth coming in at the same time. His mother has stopped breastfeeding immediately and for obvious reasons. The problem with this should be evident. No longer getting nourishment from the breast means nothing to him. Latching on is his way of being soothed., however. Corrine, no matter how much she loves to connect that way with him, does not, under any circumstances, give a shit about his separation anxiety if it means losing a nipple.


  1. Yes, I would like to continue having 2 nips.

  2. This might just be my new favorite post. I just spewed coffee all over my laptop keyboard.

  3. I'd pick that last one as a FFF if not for the fear of inciting a major breastfeeding debate on my blog! (And haha, I just accidentally typed "breastfeeling." )

  4. John's Dad is a surgeon. Has operated on a gazillion body parts for a gazillion reasons. Cracked open chests. Reattached limbs. Sliced out hemorraging eyeballs.

    Hands down...the most painful procedure to recover from? (according to him)

    Adult circumcision. For whatever reason it needs to be done.

    He said these patients (age 12+) need more Morphine than ANY OTHER SURGICAL CANDIDATE.


    And I don't even have a penis. Well, last I looked.

  5. Corrine: I, for one, do not want you to lose a nip either, for personal, selfish reasons that I might mention in another Friday Fragments.

    Mary Ellen: Sorry about making you spew.

    MRs4444: Breastfeeling is another post for another time, but thanks for the idea.

    WWW: It's because we're guys. We're wimps. We don't give birth for a reason, you know, and it's not because we don't got uteri. It's because we're born babies and we stay that way until we die.

  6. You are so damn funny!!

    My husband has only one testical...we call him Mono-ball!

    Glad the little guy has all his bits after all!

  7. I went to high school with a kid who only had one testicle. We called him, "Uno".

  8. I'm afraid I'll have to stop reading your blog if you continue to make me cackle, snort and guffaw such loud hysterical laughter - I woke up the wife and kids!!!!! Good luck to the little guy! Happy he has a full set of tackle.

  9. Neither of my guys is circumcised, and apparently none of the men in my husband's family are either. I can only vouch for hubby though. Now that they are getting older, I'm worrying about that issue a bit. Eeek.

    Anyway, I'm sure that your little dude's new stride is due to all of his "attention". I mean, look at "Smilin' Bob".

  10. I don't know if I would want to go back to the original doc who said the kids had only one ball!

    How could the guy know? I don't think the balls descend until they are older??

  11. This has got to be my all time fav that weird??

  12. LOL!!! you crack me up! glad little man has all his extra pieces:)